cuteandcompact

So many things going through my head. I just wanna turn it off... I dont know if i like being here.. Im getting back into some really strange habbits of mine. Not good ones. I also realised being here that my stomach really has full control over my emotions. I mean i eat like once or twice a day, and i feel like breaking down most days. Not so good. So bad habbits, no food, bad mood. Great holiday. Now i have to study maths completely alone. And honestly its like expecting a baby to be able to talk after 5 months (strange comparison but im sure you get it). Just, its very difficult, and when people just give up on me... I break down. I really do try but maths just.. if there are too many things being pushed into my head.. I loose track, i forget things, i loose my focus and i break down. Just cant handle maths. Its too hard! For me to learn one thing completely it would probably take 5 hours studying for 3 days straight. I feel like a failure, like im stupid, and people arent really holding it back telling me i am.

Im paniking. This is gonna be the last year in school. Im not ready for it. Im going to be 18, and shoud be looking at universities to go to. Instead, i feel like 15 and just getting started with the serious studies. I dont know if i can make it. Project work... I dont know what im doing, no one wanted to work with me.. So this has disaster written all over it. I just wanna quit school. Teachers keep saying its our choice to go to high school or not but really, If you dont go to high school, you dont get money and you cant get a job because, well you're too young. So what else would you do? specially since your parents are pushing you. So i really wouldnt say that its a choice. Its something you have to do. 

I feel really lonley and empty. Its not even funny. It feels like when i was 12-15 (ish) when i just stayed in my room all the time. I mean i had my computer and a tv in my room. No need to leave there. Thats basically all this house reminds me of. When i was down all the time and just lonley. But whatever. Its in the past. Everyone here seems to have changed and are happy. Why cant i be..? I guess i just have to put my mind to it and just try to smile.

God i dont like when people dont tell me things when they've started talking about something. It really bugs me cause i cant get it out of my head then. It just stays there and bugs me. Its really frustrating. Should work on forgetting things. Everythign would be so much simpler then. Im getting way off track here now.. Not that i really was on one anyways. But yeah.. I guess my point was... theres a lot going on in my head and i just want it to stop. It was so mcuh easier with your help.